As a Christian I am not walking toward victory; I am walking in victory. It took me many years to realize the truth of that statement. Through many hardships, difficulties, and personal challenges I constantly tried to prove myself and to earn the victory that I believed was available to me as a Christian. The problem, however, was working to earn in my own strength what had been made available to me through and by the strength of Jesus Christ.
Many times I found myself feeling overwhelmed with guilt for not measuring up to what I thought I should be in Christ. Many times I would beat myself up for assuming to know what I was supposed to do and who I thought I was supposed to be, without knowing what or who that even was. I found myself in a vicious cycle, as if swinging on a pendulum between moments of good Christianity and bad Christianity. I would often try to justify in my own mind that my moments of good were becoming more common than my moments of bad. I would keep a mental tally of the victory I was finally earning. It was exhausting.
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